Saturday, March 22, 2008

Baby Gifts and Memories

***Just Those Few Weeks***
For those few weeks - I had you to myself.And that seems too short a time to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks - I came to know you...and to love you.You came to trust me with your life. Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks - when I lost you,I lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams and aspirations…A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks - it wasn't enough timeto convince others how special and important you were.How odd, a truly unique person has recently died and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks - and no "normal" person would cry all nightover a tiny, unfinished baby, or get depressed and withdrawday after endless day.No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one. You darted in and out of my life too quickly.But it seems that's all the time you needed to make my lifeso much richer and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
Author Unknown

Poem that love, also sent by future SIL...

My 'Sister In Law to be' brought me these sweet sentiments from the hospital she works at. She is a nurse in the labor and delivery unit. I wasn't able to pay them too much attention when she gave them to me at my parent's house this weekend. My goal was to keep it together and in tact the entire time we were there. I did well. I snuck off upstairs to cry one time... If I was to fall apart at the seams I feel like everyone will. They just want to know that I'm ok. So if I can (pretend to) be ok while I'm around them, I feel like I've achieved the goal. Though, dear SIL to be will know otherwise because she reads the blog, but I know she'll keep the secret. I know you are all thinking, "Oh my, what a distorted way of looking at and dealing with things"; but everyone does this differently, right?!

Anyway, while I didn't pay much attention at my parents, I brought them all home and layed them out on the guest bed. When Josh went to pick our pizza for dinner, I went in and curled up with them and read the poem......and did what I do best these days - cried. Crying=healing from what I read. Since I'm headed back to work tomorrow I need to get it out now. (Yeah, right! I'll be in tears before the day begins. I'm sure of it!) Lindsay, I'm very appreciative for the little poem, quilt, bear and memory box with Kendall's name on it. Too sweet are the little heart pillow and receiving blanket inside it. Though it will never receive our little babe, it will instead receive all the love we would have given him or her and hold it into that precious box. Thank you so....

We have so many things that we've accumulated in just a few weeks that I'm sure I won't have a problem filling the box. In addition, I've decided to make a memory book. I put a picture of Kendall in it, but that is as far as I've been able to go. I have so many cards and emails from people that I want to keep and include in this book. I even have receipts from some of my silly late night cravings. I know that doing this will help in the healing process, but will also be something I will have to remember the support and love that all three of us have had through this process.

It is so interesting to me that the quilt and poem are in green and yellow, because those are the colors I wanted for the nursery (and I'm pretty sure Lindsay didn't know that). Speaking of the nursery, I had planned (prior to the loss) to buy these wall words. I'm intrigued by Wall Words, though these are a knock off of the real Wall Words, which I scooped up from SteinMart. I couldn't decide on which one I liked best, so I got them both. There are four walls in the (hopefully someday) nursery. Some of you probably think I'm jinxing myself by buying things for a baby now, but babies seem to be all I can think about. Even Josh mentioned right after we found out about the loss that he feels like we should try again as soon as we can. I feel the same thing in my heart, but I know it is not reasonable or rational. I won't be ready emotionally or physically even when it is ok to try again. This is why I am trying to force myself to focus on this darn wedding. Distraction, if nothing else!

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