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The past two weeks have been pure HELL and I've avoided posting on the blog as long as I could. I thought that the next time I posted I would be sharing how well our ultrasound went last Monday, but unfortunately it didn't.
On Monday, March 10th we innocently bounced off to the doctor to see a picture of our sweet baby. And we did see a picture, but it isn't so much what we saw...it's what we heard or really didn't hear. Just one week after the doctor told us we were basically in the clear to share our news with the world and having heard our baby's heartbeat, there suddenly was no longer a heartbeat to be heard. We lost our little one. The doctor said that it had just happened. We were in shock! At first we didn't react and then we both felt very sick. We had so many plans, so many dreams for that little one. How did this happen? The doctor went over all the standard stuff - stuff that I hope we never have to hear again in our lives. We came home and held each other...lying sad and confused for the rest of the day and many days after. We had to make a decision about how to proceed as I was at this point 12 weeks along. So after a couple of days of we decided that surgery would be the way to go.
Monday, March 10th will officially go down as the worst day of my life to date, but Monday, March 17th runs a close second to it. This Monday I had the surgery and the entire day was nothing less than traumatic and devastating in every sense of the words. I wish I could forget it ever happened.
At some point last week I decided that our baby deserved to be honored with a name, after all he or she is our first child. A child who changed our lives, despite never getting to meet him or her. We named the baby, Kendall. We miss our baby dearly, but we know that God must have big plans for Kendall to have taken him or her so soon.
I know that at this point I have to move on and move forward, but I don't really know how. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through and wouldn't wish it on anybody. I cry a lot...I'm sad - there's just no other way to put it. It's hard to understand why something like this happens to anybody. It's crazy how this makes me view the world and the things I used to think were important. Suddenly nothing else matters.
I hope that soon I can get back my desire to plan a wedding and then we can try to add to our family once again. Until then....remember life IS unexpected.
11 comments:
So sorry to hear the news. I've had 3 friends this has happened to, but fortunately, they have all gone on to have happy healthy babies later. I know that's not much comfort at this time, but thankfully you have family and Josh there to support you. So sorry. xoxo Sarah
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage at the same point in my pregnancy. We had just told our family less than a week before including our older two kids who were both so excited. It's very hard. I really struggled with going through with surgery but in the end I was so ill that there really was no other choice. My thoughts are with you.
so sorry to hear about your loss! I know there really isn't anything anyone can say to make things better. But hang in there. You are lucky to have your man and good family to lean on!
Oh Sondra, I am just sick about this. We went through it 4 years ago (3 times!) after seeing the heartbeat twice. It does change you. It takes away an innocent hopefulness. It does give you a huge sense of empathy for others who have to lose a dream like this. It has been a long road for us and we will add you to our prayers. Email and let me know when you can meet for lunch. I am off next week if you are. Otherwise any Saturday...Someplace in Clarence maybe? Vicki
Sondra, I am sorry to hear of your loss. I wish I could say some magic words that would make it better, but I can't. As a mother who lost an infant, I know your pain. Have faith that one day the the pain will subside and you will be able to celebrate the joy of this short life.
Connie
Oh, Sondra. I cannot imagine what you've been through. It's good that you're beginning to do normal things again, though. You can't rush the grieving process, but time does take away most of the sting.
So sorry to hear this, God Bless.
Joy
Please remember that I am here for you anytime you need me! Sending you all my love!
Linds
Sondra and family...I am so sorry for your loss. Keep your faith and your chin up. We're all here for you...all our love...
T & S XXX000
Hi Sondra,
:( I am so sorry. We lost a baby before James and it was the saddest thing we've ever been through. I hope you are being gentle with yourself and allowing both of you lots of time to be sad.
Kendall is a beautiful name for your girl.
stephanie
So sorry. I stumble upon your blog today. I'm just amazed how the blogging community is one that enrich my life and the life of so many others. I don't know you personally but is feel as real as if I did. You love a baby from the first second you find out about their existance. I lost my 13 year old five years ago, but I think it would have been no different if it would have happen when we first find out. Time will heal your heart, you will always remember your precious one, but the pain will change into a big shout out to the Lord for the privilege of having them for as long or shot period of time. God Bless you both, Marta.
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